do better

When I moved from Pittsfield to Minneapolis, I didn't have any help for most of it.  It took me weeks to get it cleaned out, and by that, I mean I had to carry everything to dumpsters, because I couldn't bring much with me.  My father did help with the transportation itself, and I commented to him on my frustration, with how difficult it was and how much I had to lose, because I didn't have the means to do it myself.  He laughed, and I don't remember his exact words, but he thought it was funny that I'd expect anyone to be any help ever.

He has been very stoic in some ways.  I'm not sure, but I think when he's had to move, he has done it himself, unless anyone's pushed their way into helping.   I don't think he'd ever ask for it, even if it meant he'd have to throw out everything he owns.   He is the most asocial schizoid type I've ever known.  My sister and I both seem to have inherited some of that.  It's been much more problematic for me, but I think she's had her issues, too.  "I hate people" bumper stickers and the like.

It's not always obvious what matters.  I think it can be important to break it down, not just by ourselves, but in the social exchanges between each other.  Or sometimes with blood work.  We don't need to do any of this, but it seems important to me.  I've come to realize that I have been stuck in this vague unconscious state of waiting for help, attaining self sufficiency, and that these different types of self sufficiency are related.  I've been sabotaging myself my whole life, and this does not make for good company, even my own.

Under better circumstances, I'd have just gotten that sort of help when I was a kid, and this whole process would have gone more smoothly.. but I guess for me, it went sideways.  There were lots of reasons.  I had a therapist in Pittsfield who picked up on some of this, commented that it seemed I was perpetually waiting for something, but that was vague and he had no idea what to do about it.  It would have been a nice bit of help, if I'd had a better therapist.

I'm not sure what I can do, but I'll look into what sort of higher education and financial options I do have.  I'm not entirely confident in my resolve or my competence, or that of the underfunded systems I'll be looking to for assistance.   Could take weeks or even months for appointments, but I've set it in motion.  I have a sense of direction that I will try to make sure that it goes in.  I'm writing about it, so that I can remind myself, should I need to debate myself about any of this, at some point.

I think I'm being realistic here.  It's hard, it hurts, scared, distracted, but here's the full equation.  Now that I see what's going on in my head, do I really want to choose not to do this?  There are always causal factors to it all, but this is less about free will, and more about just being honest with myself.