dropping anchor

I've been vegetarian on and off since I was six.  Essentially, on my own, I've always been a vegetarian, but when I have shared my life with those who are not, I've compromised and in some cases, gave it up entirely for a while.  In some part, due to values instilled in me by my uncle, whose wisdom I always held in high regard.

He taught me not to be rigid, but sensitive to circumstances and the people around, in how I conduct myself, even in matters of ethics.  He'd talk about how so much of it was cultural. Values are memes, we learn them from each other, at least when we're open to it.  That made sense to me for a long time, but I suppose I'm having doubts.  He was vegetarian-sympathetic, but not vegetarian himself.  I also better understand how that plays into a person's views now, and how they can be skewed.  Maybe don't trust a meat eater to tell you when it's ok to eat meat.

Of course, also in part due to my own weakness for the taste of it, I've eaten lots of animals over the years, which I'm not proud of.  I don't know that it's purely a matter of reason, but this feels important to me.  All the ways I've compromised, for myself, for others, how good I am at excuses. What impact this has had on my sense of self, confidence in myself.  Empathy can be volatile, it can go terribly wrong. I seem to have it in spades.  This is probably why I've always compromised so much.  I'm acutely aware that it needs work.  This isn't a matter of berating myself for it, so much as realizing that maybe I can try a better approach to life.

The universe is vast, suffering infinite, the impact of our individual actions of dubious significance amidst it all.  First and foremost, I am a consequentialist but consequences are not always so straight forward or to be found where we're looking for them.  What does it mean to compromise my values?  Values are not just about what we do in the world, but what we're doing to ourselves, in our thoughts, our words, actions and interactions.

In reference to slaughterhouses,

death camps, circa ~1989 

When I speak of doing better, this is also what I'm talking about.  I've been relatively vegan ish for almost a year now. I can do better, but should it need to be said, this isn't just about what I eat.  Maybe I can even stop drifting.

seriously, it's good that i'm documenting this, because wtf.