idea entity

That H in ADHD always bugged me. It was almost always referenced as ADHD and not ADD, occasionally including some mention of the H being silent in some cases. Some were dreamers, more than particularly active, let alone hyperactive. Clearly, that was me. I never identified as a wellspring of kinetic energy, but I certainly have attention deficits. This means constantly getting distracted and feeling driven towards activities which override distraction. Competitive sport and video games both achieve this by actively demanding attention, rewarding it, and punishing distraction. You can't really space out when you're sparring.

Growth hormone is more aptly called a metabolic hormone. It plays a substantial role in the body's production of energy. Being deficient made physical activity highly discouraging, so I languished away playing video games instead. They make it difficult to space out as well. I could have pushed myself harder to compensate for my deficiency somewhat. That's what I should have done, but I didn't have the guidance. I didn't know how or what to do. Now that I'm being treated for it, I have to contend with getting old, instead.

There are all sorts of things I've been trying to do my whole life that require lots of attention. From reading to playing guitar, to painting, these things can be substantial components of my sense of identity, along with decades of feeling frustrated, unable to focus on doing these things any more than sporadically. My failure to be what I wanted to be also became a substantial part of my identity.

This sense of identity is based on a deficit which can make it highly variable. At times, I've done lots of reading, or artwork. I practiced Russian and Spanish almost every day for a long time. I read Feynman and Sapolsky. When my mood is better, I am less limited by such deficits, but a better mood requires overcoming other deficits. So much of identity is based on variables, even brain chemistry and hormone levels that can change with what we eat or how we sleep.

I haven't been remembering my dreams for years. I just started taking zinc for unrelated reasons, and suddenly I'm remembering my dreams again. I've also been doing lots of sweating these past few years, in addition to going entirely vegan. Two common causes of zinc deficiency. I noticed substantial improvements within days of starting to take it, before I expected anything at all. I've never noticed much of anything taking a vitamin before. A deficiency seems like a good bet.

We never know what sort of environmental factors make us who we think we are, who we think anyone else is. As life violently bounces us around at random, a primary function of human consciousness seems to be constantly crying out, I meant to do that! When this ridiculous function fails, we can get really depressed, in large part due to the realization that life is just violently bouncing us around at random.