make war not art

For some reason, martial arts has always been uniquely important to me. I've been at my best when I've been training, and I fall apart when I haven't been. It's taken me decades to get over the notion that the kung-fu isn't something to be taken seriously. I never let myself think, you know, maybe this is what I should be doing with my life.

At my age, it really is probably too late career wise, but I can still get out of it what I can, while I can. I don't know why it took me so long, but I actually do know why. I remember moving to Vermont. I knew this MMA school would be the first place I should check out, but it took me years to build up the courage. In Montclair, I'd scouted out all the local schools, even found some in Newark, Brooklyn, and Manhattan.. but never stepped foot in any of them.

I've always been too terrified of everything, but I've been trying to do this my whole life. What else can I say that about? I keep trying to justify and explain it, but why does that even matter? 

I've done a lot of reading in my life, and I hope to do a lot more, but "I'd rather be throwing kicks than reading books," as I put it the other day. It felt strange to admit that. It's not the identity I've tried to present my whole life. It feels like a sort of laziness, like admitting I prefer donuts to broccoli - which in fact isn't always true. These things depend on all sorts of circumstances.

Right now, circumstances aren't good. What I've learned about combatting depression is that it's important to do things. I'm fixating on the MMA so much because I know it helped the most. I'm clinging to that. As my mood improves, I'll have an easier time getting into books books and art, albeit maybe never as much as I like punching stuff.