ragnarok

I finally have a Netflix account. Setting it up, I was asked to pick three movies I liked from a list of a hundred or so, and it was tough, because I'd never heard of any of them. Years ago, this general loss of interest in story telling started causing problems for me. Was it my lacking attention span, was my imagination dying? It makes me uneasy on various levels, but giving it up wasn't a conscious decision. I just lost interest in all of it.

This year, I've had to reacquaint myself with mindlessly wasting time, playing video games, watching lots of youtube, and finally, Netflix. It's a lot more international than I remember it. I don't know if that's customized to me, because I listed six different preferred languages, or if Netflix is just making all this international content popular. I've watched movies and TV shows in Japanese, Portuguese, Cantonese, and Norwegian. A South Korean movie I watched had characters speaking in about twelve different languages.

Most of it seems rather mediocre, but it's entertaining. I find myself watching these shows, and even caring what happens next. It's pacifying, but I had a taste of what it was like to have hope in actually changing my situation, making something of myself that I'd actually want to be. Time goes by so fast. Watching TV makes it go by even faster. I don't want to go back to being pacified, but I don't know how to get that hope back.

I seems to cause me a great deal of anxiety, waiting month after month for things to return to normal, not knowing if even that will be enough. If it ever happens. I don't even know what I'm waiting for exactly. Took all the willpower I could muster, just to go pick up a few groceries today.

"Mange tror at Ragnarok var slutten. De tar feil. Det er hvor alt starter."

Nice sentiments, but it's fantasy. In reality, bad shit happens and everything dies. There are no heroes, no saviors. There aren't even any good guys, really. Just lots of clowns stumbling around each other in the dark. We're lucky if we can find a few people who aren't fucking terrible.