why am i like this

Depression can mean a lot at once. It occurred to me to Google "symptoms of clinical depression" to help illustrate what I'm talking about.

Anxiety, apathy, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, mood swings, or sadness. Agitation, excessive crying, irritability, restlessness, or social isolation. Early awakening, excess sleepiness, insomnia, or restless sleep. Excessive hunger, fatigue, or loss of appetite. Lack of concentration, slowness in activity, or thoughts of suicide.

To me, a list of symptoms like this doesn't indicate a complex multifaceted disorder, so much as a gamut of consequences for a type of neurological impairment. Even sadness is not a central component of depression, but one more outcome of the brain failing to regulate itself.

Depression can be confusing, because it doesn't appear to be the natural outcome of anything. As the brain becomes impaired by experiences and a failure to meet basic emotional needs, there can be no apparent connection between those circumstances and having insomnia or irritability months later. As we adapt and pathways are reinforced, years later. Decades later.

I've been trying to overcome this all my life. I finally thought I was getting somewhere, but this last year blew all that to hell. I still have a plan of sorts. I still work out every day. It's the only thing I do, because it's the most efficient tool in my toolbox, and I don't have much to spare. If I keep at it, I can build on that, when the time comes. 

I do not have a lot of confidence in this plan, but I don't see a viable alternative. Depression is a hard problem. There's an entire medical discipline devoted to repairing the damage of early childhood and the like, but I'm skeptical. I haven't seen much evidence that it ever actually works. The experiences of our past form the foundations we've spent our lives building on. We can bury it behind us by building on it more effectively.

I've seen lots of therapists in my life. Social workers, psychiatrists, and psychotherapists. Not to brag or anything, but I'm not even talking one or two of each. Over the years, across seven states, it's added up to more than I can count offhand, in each category. They focus a whole lot on the past, because it's easier for them. If they start talking about the present, suddenly they've got all sorts of real issues to deal with, beyond the scope of their profession. All those stressors in our daily lives, much of which little can be done about. We can learn better coping strategies, but that only gets us so far.

There are things we can do to counteract depression, but it takes a lot more work than talking about our childhoods for half an hour a week. Some therapies consist of pushing clients to do that work between sessions, but that's about as successful as you might expect, if you've ever tried to suggest to someone with depression that they should exercise. Something I've advocated often, but I know how difficult it can be, and it's only a first step. 

Diet can be another, but swapping out frozen pizzas for fresh produce can require learning how to cook, and require all sorts of time and effort that a depressed person may not be inclined to spare. Adequate sleep can be vital too, but life can even make that difficult. Having goals and a reason to get out of bed every day can be more difficult than it sounds. The more of these things we can check off, the more resilient we will be.

Hardest of all for me, has been socializing. Human contact is critical, but requires engaging with people according to strange and complicated dynamics. Going to a party to sit alone in the corner can fail to be of any benefit whatsoever. Most social interaction can fall into this category, for someone with depression. Unable to emotionally engage, just getting through it. There needs to be a measure of trust, and common ground, or common goals. This is how the brain chemistry has evolved to work. Online interactions can be a poor substitute for being around people. Hanging out with family isn't a substitute for peer relationships or engaging with humanity more broadly. These needs our species evolved to have require chemical triggers related to how we perceive and interpret others and our interactions with them.

Our society has become so individualistic and atomized, with the pandemic throwing that into sharper relief than ever. I know I'm not the only person struggling, and that many of us were already struggling, when this past year compounded everything. It's not surprising that so many people opt to risk getting covid over isolating themselves, particularly in a country like the US. 

Mental health problems can be self-perpetuating precisely because correlations between behavior and consequence can be so speculative and uncertain. The impulses we have to protect ourselves can lead to behaviors that only make the problem worse, unless we understand why we are the way we are.