back to the trenches

I had stuff to do today. My week was planned out, coordinated to do this particular stuff on this particular day, but I didn't do any of it. Now I have other stuff to do tomorrow, and I can't do any of this on the weekend. I could try doing it all tomorrow, but that seems unrealistic, given that I just sat here like a lump today. 

This is the back to normal I've been afraid of. Back to the struggle, after more than a year of just wallowing. I'm no longer hanging on by a fraying thread, but I'm still swimming in a sea of anxieties and frustrations. To relax would be to backslide into doing less and less. My nature is not healthy to give in to, but my nature is also to fight.

So, I'm back to fighting. Constantly feeling like I'm failing, and not doing enough. I often have days like these. Life is so fucking hard when you lack the biochemistry specifically evolved to make it less so. Whether it's endocrine or trauma or whatever else. Nature and nurture are basically the same thing. One is just manifestation of the other, and it goes both ways. Interdependent co-arising phenomena.

My inclination is pretty much to stay in bed all day every day. Not to cook, or grow peppers, or even kickboxing. I have to beat the shit out of myself every day I want to go anywhere at all, including the gym. I dread going anywhere ever. On the other hand, I'm increasingly sick to death of puttering around at home, doing whatever I can rally my waning attention span for, here.

This is why I think of myself as low-functioning. I can't even strive for the things I want to do in this life, let alone the things I should be doing. Some people are better off than I am, some are worse, but this isn't a matter of comparison. That is not indicative of a functioning system. Which in turn has a way of wrecking self-esteem. I'm working on it, but at this rate, it's going to take a lifetime.