transience

Classes went well tonight. My kickboxing partner outweighed me by a hundred pounds, and kicked pretty hard. Our last drill involved heavy kicks to a kicking shield. I had to focus most of my energy on not letting his kicks knock me around or wince as I felt them through the shield. When it was my turn, he exclaimed right off, ow, I can feel those right through the shield! 

Then BJJ class afterwards. That went well, too. My partner was brand new, so I took the initiative at the end of class to check with the instructor as to whether he should be doing free rolling yet. I seem to be getting better at taking initiative. Two years ago, I was partnered with someone brand new, who wasn't ready for that, but nobody said anything, so I accidentally clocked her in the head with my shin trying to do a takedown we'd just learned and she never came back. I've been feeling terrible about it ever since. I didn't want to make that mistake again.

During the end of class rotation, I got to grapple someone with a little more experience. Last week, he tapped me out. This week, I tapped him out. It feels so good to be back at it. Hopefully, for a good long time to come..

I've been thinking about how I tend to let almost everyone win. Not outright, but there's always some reason, I don't finish submissions or don't want to be too aggressive or don't want to make my opponent feel bad. Last class, my opponent was not quite as young and breathing so hard, I started going easier on him, then he beats me. He was much bigger than me, I wrenched both my shoulders wrestling with him - but he's in his 30s, so I was worried about him.

It's subtle, but just enough that it makes the difference every time. I lose against pretty much everyone. Until I decide that I'm going to try to win for a change, and proceed to surprise myself by actually winning. Well, ok - sometimes. Hopefully the young athletic dude I armbarred doesn't feel too badly tapping to a little old man like me. 

When the instructor of this class teaches, I move more like an old man, too. His specialty is boxing, and I have a hard time with the style of movement. The main kickboxing instructor left to start his own school in Burlington. In theory, I could take a class there once in a while to mix it up. That could be fun. 

I get so dependent on routines though, and struggling just to maintain them. It's hard to see myself actually getting around to it. It's so important that the healthy things I want to do become routine, moving them from the mire of never getting around to it.

I've found myself using the word "fun" to describe this stuff lately. That's not a word I generally use to describe anything.