just sitting

Classes went well last night, but somehow I managed to sustain two minor injuries that will hopefully be fine in a few days. Bad enough that I should probably go easy for at least that long. Same old knee, hopefully just a little inflamed or something, and a sharp pain in my abdominal obliques that's probably just a minor strain. Being central core muscles, everything aggravates it. It hurts to cough, let alone upa roll or pendulum kick.

So, a few extra days, at best, of.. sitting here. There isn't anything I want to do or like to do anymore. I'll take care of the few things I need to do, but that's always so oddly difficult, given that I'm bored out of my mind doing nothing else, anyhow. Nothing feels worth doing. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Loss of hope, disillusionment, jaded. Always so tired. The chemistry of wanting seems all burned out. As things get back to normal, I'm still quite severely depressed, in the clinical sense. I had a great training partner last night. Like a last little ember, I try to focus on that, to get some kind of fire burning again. To keep it from going out entirely.

This isn't exactly what the Buddha means, in terms of liberation from desire, but I think that may be a misunderstanding. Even Buddhists get dodgy around the notion of no-self, but that's foundational to everything else. The self is what we need liberation from. The illusion that the desire is our own. That anything is our own. Our bodies, our feelings. There's no such thing as "ours." 

It's all just causal relationships, but desire is an important evolutionary mechanism. The system doesn't work well without the carrot on the stick. It doesn't bode well for one's mental health to just sit here.