more catharsis

I was a terrible boyfriend and a worse friend. I was so wrapped up in my own issues, I took her for granted. I didn't appreciate her. I was a jerk. Of course I can list five things I like about her, but I felt put on the spot by the court ordered social worker, and deflected by arguing against the premise of the question. 

Who gives a shit if it's a dumb question. It would have been nice for her to hear. It never even occurred to me that maybe she needed to hear it. Even if I couldn't think under pressure, I could have explained that and given her ten things I like about her later. Instead, I felt the rehab people were turning her against me. I got stoned and forgot about it. I was a jerk.

I've disabled my Facebook profile, so occasionally I use my old cat's profile to check something or whatever. The last post being that he'd been euthanized. The only comment being from Jenny, saying that he would be missed. That was the last communication we ever had. For the first time in five years (she died in 2018), I went to her profile. Saw the final post from her husband. Saw that she only had a few photos publicly visible.

One of her father, another of her brother, one of her sister, and two photos of a stuffed cat she'd had since childhood that had an uncanny resemblance to mine. When she was little, she had a dog named Happy, too. Only this one photo of her..

Before we met, that was one of the photos she sent me. I wonder if she knew it would be the only photo of her visible to me. Over ten years ago, I sent it back like this.

I miss her. I'm hoping it helps to finally say that.