do nothing

I keep hashing over issues of escapism, distraction, and motivation. I was doing so well for a while, feeling like I was striving for something. Then I fucked up my knee and everything went to hell. I could blame it all on the pandemic, but as it falls behind us, I'm still back to doing nothing. I don't know what I should do. 

I don't see anything I can do, anymore. I can't see anything worth doing. I have no confidence in my ability to get anywhere. I don't know how much of this is a matter of perspective and how much is just being realistic.

I'm back to living each day, one at a time and all the same, not working towards anything in particular, not expecting or hoping anything will change. Except for the worse, as things periodically fall apart, leave, end, collapse, or die. That sounds like such glass-half-empty thinking, but the inverse isn't really true. The world doesn't periodically drop good things on us. Not if we're sitting around doing nothing, and that's what I'm back to doing. I know it doesn't go well.

Going out into the world and doing stuff though, holy shit, that was like walking into a woodchipper. Suicide, cancer, plague, death, more cancer, injuries, and politics. Fuck it, I'm wrecked. As I sat outside in the sun this afternoon, listening to music on my headphones, admiring my pepper plants, the nature of my angst came into focus. 

I thought that I was finally getting somewhere, and all pandemic, I put that on hold, uncertain I'd have anything to go back to. I was clawing and scrabbling my way through school, finally getting out of the chasm I've been trying to climb out of my entire life. Without covid to blame for it, I'm left with these voids where major parts of my life used to be. These things I cared about and fought for are just memories now. My fears largely realized, but at least I don't have colon cancer anymore.

Even Bernie's run was a factor. I thought school might be on it's way to becoming more affordable. I was feeling more optimistic about my prospects and the world. There are a number of ways life's beaten all that out of me, but growing up just doesn't make sense anymore. I desperately miss thinking that it did. I've been trying to cling to something that's already gone. 

I remember writing about trajectories, and how I'd need a good one. I was having doubts before all of this, but once I was on track, I could just stay the course. The path of least resistance would be to just keep going. I was freaking out all pandemic, because I had no idea how I'd make that leap all over again. How can I, when it doesn't even make sense to me anymore.

I guess I should be trying to better appreciate sitting in the sun, listening to music with my pepper plants. Apparently, I could have a lot less time ahead of me than I thought anyhow.