this is the world

Many lifetimes ago and a million miles away, I found my music on the radio. Finding radio stations that played any kind of punk or metal was a feat in itself, but there was this one, out of South Orange University, in NJ. 89.5 WSOU "Pirate Radio" because the school mascot's a pirate. Using a Black Sabbath song to seed my latest Spotify playlist, it gave me one a lot like the sort of music they'd play. Some of it's a little cringe, but I even liked the hair bands, if their lyrics were relatable. 

I was never a fan of this band, but this one song struck me as anthemic. I had a thing for songs about how shit the world is, and wishing it were different, wishing we could go somewhere else, wishing there were a better world to go to. There must be, right? 

I think that was such a fundamental misstep in worldview. The world is what it is, and whether we realize it or not, we all want to make the most of what we have, while we can. Dreaming about how much better things could be is a turning away from that. Instead of facing all the trauma and adversity, I retreated into a world of blaming all the wrongs in the world. 'You can keep the world, with all its sin. It's not fit for living in.' 

Even in my politics, it's all about making the world better. Trying to make the world better is great, of course. How much of it was more akin to dreaming about it though? A shared dream, with all the leftists of the world. This isn't to knock activism. It was online activism that brought the surge of mainstream popularity that Bernie rode in on, back in 2015. But this is also why they've clamped down on how their algorithms work, and who gets boosted and who gets quietly suppressed. Under the guise of Russiagate or stopping misinformation, they've completely wrecked the framework that made Bernie possible.

I suppose you might say that I'm discouraged, but in retrospect, I realize that I fixated to such a degree, more as an escape. I was too busy raging about the rest of the world, to face my own life. I've been doing that all my life, everything I do, an escape. I dreaded going to middle school, for the same reason I dread going to the gym, or really anywhere ever. It cuts me off from all my distractions. I wanted to be free, to read sci-fi, play video games, or just fall asleep listening to music.

None of that sounds so bad. The problem is that I desperately want to do such things all the time. I've been avoiding life, all my life, and making excuses for it doesn't matter. I don't care whose fault it is. I've been trying to change, but progress has been slow. Avoidance has been so deeply ingrained in my behavior. Every day is a struggle to overcome that, and the recent hurdles of additional trauma haven't helped.

When all we want out of life is to be free of pain, it's tragic. That is what addiction is all about, and there are good reasons addiction so often follows trauma. Pain can be too much, especially during childhood, crippling neurological development, building who we become on how to escape, rather than how to get the most out of life. 

Forgivable, but far from ideal. It rarely ends well.