disabled

Growing up Hasbulla-tiny, I was always being treated as if I were younger than I actually was. I grew up feeling beneath my peers, constantly trying to prove that I wasn't. As this segued into mental health problems and disability, I became stuck in this way of thinking of myself. I grew from one situation that reinforced my feelings of inferiority to another. It doesn't help that this is largely predicated on what seems to be accurate assessments of how people feel about me. Just as when I was little, people don't think bad of me, per se..

I thought I could get there. Finally grow up, get my shit together, go through school, get a career. I'm not sure where that would have gone, had it gone better and been less besieged by tragedy. I didn't do so well though. I really thought I'd be acing everything. It's just community college. Basic classes, and I was barely scraping by. I still had no idea where I was going. I didn't think failure was even a real possibility, once I got over all the hurdles of getting started. 

I needed life to go better than it did, but such is life, I guess? I didn't expect to prove them all right. Trying to hold a crap job would be even worse. I don't know how the hell you people do any of it.

All of that was part of the process that got me started in martial arts again. The one thing that's been enduring throughout all this. I'm not taking it for granted. Not that I made it to class tonight. My side's been hurting again. When I haven't done BJJ in a while, my ribs always get fucked for a bit, as I adjust to having 200 pounds trying to pin me down and twist my arm. I'll be fine, probably, eventually.. and then it will be something else. 

Or it's more cancer. Maybe it's behind the ribs. I can't tell and I guess I really do have to worry about that now. My mother didn't seem to understand the nature of the biopsy. Usually, it means they take a sample, and it tells us whether the thing they're sampling is cancerous. In this case, they removed the entire thing already, because that's what they do regardless. So what they're sampling has already been removed. 

It freaked me out that she interpreted the situation to mean we're waiting to find out if I have cancer. Present tense. That would be unlikely enough that I hadn't been worrying about it.. until she starts talking about how treatable colon cancer is. What, no, that's not.. I mean, probably not.. I can't rule it out entirely, no. 

Maybe some cancer cells were left behind. Or maybe the polyp wasn't the source of the cancer, which would be especially bad. If I understand this all correctly, those are the risks, and they're fairly slim. If it's cancer, I caught it super early. Course, there's also the chance I've misunderstood something entirely. After all, I'm not even a competent adult, let alone a coloncologist.

I was all drugged up when the doctor explained, so who the hell knows. To clear it up, I'm just waiting for my own biopsy results now. This is the best excuse I have, for feeling especially broken and incompetent these past few days.  It's something or other making me feel broken and incompetent an awful lot. Especially lately. It's great that I'm still training, but I was aiming a lot higher. I've been having trouble watching that hope fade ever further into memory.

I can't see a lot of hope in it and to be honest. I can't handle jumping back into all that again. I miss the days when my biggest concern was remembering to walk MC. Life isn't just going to keep throwing this shit at me one thing after another until I'm dead, right?