circumstances 2020

Last May, I was blogging about circumstances, and how they define us. How surreal it can be when they change, when they change us. Crazy year its been. No wonder I have no fucking clue who I am anymore.

I don't know if I'm feeling so hopeless because the situation I'm in is depressing such that it induces a hopeless chemistry or if said hopelessness is entirely rational. This situation sucks, and I can't see it working out any time soon. Even if we're talking years, I should be ok. I could conceivably be ok.. but it's not feeling that way. I'm feeling so utterly broken, the future stretching off into a very dark and ominous haze.

It's odd the way they talk about reopening things. Even people who oppose it seem to think the consequences will be this thing that happens; people will die, but it will be done. More likely, people will die, then more people will die, then people will keep dying - until they close it all down again. This isn't going to be done, no matter what they do, until the science comes through for us.

Is there something in epidemiology that says this sort of thing just kinda goes away, regardless? What a huge relief if true. Or maybe we can weather the carnage. That seems to be the expectation, but as it accumulates, they tend to realize it's worse than they expected. Some panic and shutdown immediately. Others may try to really push it, because if it works, all that death won't be for nothing. It won't work. It will be for nothing. They'll still end up shutting down, I think.

Maybe it won't be as bad as I think though. Who the hell knows. I'm just here sheltering in place month after month waiting to see how much worse things can get. My brain chemistry does seem to be pretty fucked up lately, I must admit. Circumstances can do that.