happy happy joy joy

I keep hearing that I worry too much, I'm dwelling, I shouldn't wind myself up over things that are out of my control. When one person says this, I can respect it. To each their own. When I'm getting the same rationale from all different directions, I start to wonder. It doesn't actually make any damn sense - to me. Why am I looking at this differently than everyone else?

I want to think about and discuss this incredibly consequential event as it's happening, but I should refrain because it can cause negative emotions? Makes sense taking care of six year olds, but I don't understand this view regarding adults. Negative emotions are the least of my worries here. I'm angry and bored out of my mind because my life is gone, my hope of meeting people gone, my hope of getting out of this hell, gone. I just have to go back to sitting here enduring it. The least I can do is try to make sense of it all and commiserate with myself about it.

It has been pretty challenging to make sense of. I've learned a lot trying. I keep wondering about other people because if I'm this confused, what the fuck are you all thinking. I'm also more obsessed with the human response to this than the virus itself. Another thing people don't get. I'm not even worried about the virus. I'm worried about the people. The ways people are reacting has also been complicated.

We feel powerless. Why expend energy on something we can't do anything about? We don't know virology or epidemiology. Let the experts take care of us. Maybe we'll get lucky, and science will have some kind of breakthrough tomorrow - and it would still have to go through a year of testing. That's best case scenario. It will probably take much longer to really get this under control. 

Maybe we open things really carefully, with all sorts of precautions, and we can keep spread down to a minimum in the meantime. Another best case scenario. Also improbable, because we're instead going to reopen things early, with laughable precautions that allow the virus to become even more deeply entrenched.

Beating COVID19 is pretty much out of the question now. It will kill millions of people and that's scary, sure.. but I don't know what the hell people are going to do. It appears we're going to reopen things. That is going to cause a new wave of infections. That much seems reliable.. but, will we shut down again? 

Politicians looking at this from the top down might see that we have no choice but to try to function in spite of the "risks," and they'll try to work with that. People though are going to see it differently. They're not going to understand or accept it. Some will be angry about how much worse our leaders have made the problem. Others won't understand any of that, but they'll be just as angry. Unprecedented numbers of people won't be able to afford food or rent, while billionaires are frantically making everything worse. A massive storm is coming and I think we should try to be prepared for it.

It will be amazing if I'm wrong about all of this and everything turns out fine in a few months. People harp on the fact that I don't know. We can't see the future, but we never fucking know anything. We can't even see the present. We make the best educated guesses we can, and try like hell to survive.

#StayTheFuckHome