Fuck.
I don't want to do this anymore.
This is what I've been dreading, this is what's been keeping me going. Fear of feeling like this again. Another fucking day with nothing worth doing. Same as every other, another day in this vanishing life. Depression. I just had to keep moving, keep going to classes. I stumbled, but this was the alternative that kept me getting back up.
Now just like that, here I am, back in this all too familiar hell, just the fucking same.
I wonder how other people are doing. This is hitting everyone differently, each of us in very different situations. I'm not sure anyone understands how bad my situation is. Assholes think I'm lucky being able to sit at home all day.
I want to cast blame, rant about how they're handling this. Of course it's lacking. People are idiots.. but even if they did everything right, this destroyed my life just the same, and I'm not handling it well. I don't see much point in handling it well. I think about how long this is likely to last, and there's no way I can get through this.
Martial arts isn't just important to me. There isn't anything I can replace it with. Training without the interpersonal physical interaction isn't worth doing at all. It's not some sort of compromise solution. This is why I'm so depressed. This was the most critical part of pulling myself together, and there are no compromises, no alternatives, no solutions.
and it isn't about the fucking martial arts. It's whatever the hell is wrong with me. This is the only thing that works. This has been what props up everything else I've been doing. There are a number of intersecting reasons.It's one of few interests I've had my entire life. It's one of the only things I want to do at all, for who knows what reason. Exercise, motivation, social interaction. It was the only thing in the world that makes me happy, and I was finally doing it.
Would have been interesting if I'd stuck with it since I was seven, but I was tired. I tried again when I was 30. Again in my 40s. It hasn't been easy for me, taking decades just to get started.
It's also like language of sorts that I feel relatively fluent in, almost confident about. I interact with people in these classes, as if I too am supposed to be there. I feel more out of place everywhere else. It's weird too, because I'm older and smaller than everyone, so I kinda am objectively out of place, but I'll spar with any of them, no hesitation. I just hate when they try to talk to me.
In turn this helps me feel more confident elsewhere in life. Sort of. It's a long slow process, and I was just getting started.
Everything else I've been doing was built on that. It was holding me together, while going to CCV endeavored to tear me apart. Between the two of them, my only contact with humanity. Eventually I'll be able to go back to college classes, with all sorts of precautions in place.. I still won't be able to train with anyone. I'm not doing that. I won't be doing anything for a frighteningly long time, having clawed my way out of years of solitary confinement, only to be thrown back in.
I don't know what the MMA schools will do. I run through all these different scenarios in my head. Nothing works out. I can't see how they're going to be there for me, for quite a while. What state will I be in, when they finally are? At this rate, I'm not going to hold it together anywhere near that long.
I don't understand why we're pretending this will all be fine in a few months. It's possible I guess, but it's not how the situation looks to me. This is making me feel crazy. My only hope being that something entirely unpredictable fixes everything. Seems to be what everyone else is counting on, but that's not usually how science goes, right? It may look that way when we're not really paying attention, but these things take years. Sometimes many years.
Meanwhile, everything just keeps getting worse. I'm not sure if we're all fucked, or if it's just me. I was barely hanging on as it was. Now I can't even go visit my dying father.
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