the missing point

I wonder about other people, who seem to be handling this better than I have been. Especially people who are in roughly similar situations - minimal social connections, so now almost entirely isolated. I don't know anyone in a situation like mine, but many living alone, who had jobs, now sitting around doing nothing all day every day.

It occurs to me that I don't understand how they can live that way in the first place. In some dead end low wage job, doing nothing to make their lives better. Not that I feel superior, just that it seems incredibly depressing. Why even keep doing the job? Why not fall into a pit of hopeless despair, like I did?

For me, that sense that I'm trying to get somewhere is important. That it's somewhere realistic and worth getting to, not just a distraction. I've talked a lot about this growth mindset, wherein who we are is not an anchor, but a vector. Who we are is what we're striving for, how we're striving for it, what we're doing. Not some mirage of ego.

Now I'm doing nothing again. My entire life strategy blown to hell. Not sure if I should rethink it or just give the fuck up. I don't understand people who are content to be going nowhere, just surviving, distracted by their jobs, then placated by their fictional media of choice, television, books, movies, video games. I've lost interest in all of that, and often wondered why.

It's directionless, a distraction from being directionless. Like a dead end job we're not getting anything out of aside from the paycheck. Other people are handling this better than I am, for the same reason they were handling life before better than I do. Keeping busy with chores and watching TV or whatever.

I don't know that I'd call this part depression. Low expectations may yield greater peace of mind, but I'm not sure I understand peace of mind for it's own sake. Stillness is clarity, but it's also stagnation. Over time, stagnation becomes increasingly harmful, although so is a lack of rest, or lack of stillness. Finding a balance was ideal.

Having some direction in life can help with depression, but I think that's because it's just generally good for mental health, to keep moving, progressing in our lives in some way. Much the way physical health benefits from regular movement. It's not easy though. Movement comes from motivation. This situation is crippling me on multiple fronts. Taking away everything I was doing, my reasons for doing them, and the means by which I was even capable. I was barely keeping it together as it was.

Guess I should have gotten my life together five or ten years ago. Seems I've missed my window of opportunity before the world ending.