ball and chain

Why is life so hard? We look around us, we look at social media or mainstream media, we compare because we're trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Is this normal? Is this manageable? What is everyone else doing, because what I'm doing has not been going well at all. Is something wrong with me?

If you turn to your local community, you might find everyone has problems, everyone is struggling, you might help each other. Maybe we work together to solve our problems, or maybe we just take comfort in knowing we're not fighting alone.

Or, maybe you look around, and other people seem to be doing ok. They have problems but they're not being crushed by them. They acquire tools to make it all easier, they form social relationships, they work but they also have fun. Wait, how fucked up am I that all of this is beyond me? Why is life so hard?

From my perspective, my burdens are massive and I am strong for every step I take in spite of that. From their perspective, I am weak and struggling to barely do anything. Why is life so hard?

We might call it autism. We might say that we have a disability, like a ball and chain we drag everywhere with our powerful legs, strengthened by a lifetime of this. They only see that we are slow and we walk funny. 

None of this is right or wrong. It makes sense from our perspective. It makes sense from their perspective. It makes sense that I hate their perspective so. I hate that they see me this way. I hate that it only makes sense and I can't even blame them for it.

Giving it a label like autism can be meaningful, because that makes it objective. It explains why life is so hard, for me and not everyone else. It indicates that it's not subjective, not something I can think away, or even hide all that well. The objectivity of it upsets me, because that means it exists not only in my head, but in what other people perceive me to be. It validates the way that they respond to me, when I've been hoping all my life that it was all in my anxious imagination or that I just need to learn social skills or that they're just being jerks.