wiring vs chemistry

There is an important distinction to be made between mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety or even personality disorders, and being on the spectrum. Mental illnesses develop in response to conditions and can be alleviated by changes in conditions. People develop depression, and they can overcome it. Personality disorders can be complex, but we're not born with them. None of it is easily defeated, but it's always possible, always something to strive for.

Being on the spectrum is less about chemistry and more about how we're wired. People are born this way, and it will always be how their brains work. We can learn to manage it, mitigating the problems our differences can cause, but it will always be a part of our lives. ASD is not an illness. It's who we are.

Today has been another dreary day wasted feeling terrible. I woke feeling terrible and never pulled out of it. Problematic wiring can certainly lead to bad chemistry. I am not miserable for being neurodivergent, but because I am failing miserably at managing it. That is, I am unable to meet my needs or function in society, and the rest of the world isn't much help. I was really hoping this summer I'd be able to turn things around, but surprise, I'm on the verge of homelessness again, instead.

I'm stressed and overwhelmed, procrastinating dealing with it every day. In theory, I should be able to sort it out, but that's always been a problem. In theory, I'm a normal functioning person, when in reality, I never quite get there. In theory, dealing with people goes easily. In reality, it's all drowned in white noise, exhaustion and anxiety.

I have until August 1st to be out of here. Maybe I will pull it together at the last minute and everything will work out, but in the meantime, my mind is a wreck. I spend all day every day planning to at least get to the gym, and then don't do that, either.