critical mass

I've been feeling severely depressed since yesterday and I don't know why. It could be a number of things compounding the ever-present number of other things. It would be useful to know what specifically triggers this because it chain reactions into making everything worse. 

• I end up with no food in the house, because I can't deal with acquiring food.
• I only get three hours of sleep just because. 
• I don't do my laundry, so I can't even go to the gym, even if I could achieve the herculean feat of getting myself out the door.
• I don't do assorted other errands causing a range of problems. 
• I don't get any sunlight, human contact, or physical activity.

Feels like all I can do is wait to feel better, which typically happens eventually, despite doing everything possible to make myself feel worse. This could depend on what's making me feel like this in the first place.

• Speaking of sunlight, it's been raining and overcast for three days now. It feels like superstition, but that often seems to coincide.
• A few days ago, I learned that the housing subsidy application I filed two months ago had stalled because they need more info, and weren't even bothering to tell me. As I'm running out of time, it's endless problems trying to get any help.
• There's a BJJ competition coming up this weekend, so of course all this goes wrong just beforehand, lest I have any kind of positive experience to help me feel better about life. 

The coach that usually handles this stuff is away this week, so it seems to be in the hands of a coach whose class I never go to because we don't get along. The one who even went so far as to say to me, not everyone should compete. So I found out about it late, I don't know what's going on with car pooling, and I'm too depressed to deal with finding out. I don't have a clean gi, and I need food and sleep to even consider going, anyhow.  

I thought I'd get it sorted out at the gym last night, but that didn't happen. I had plans for groceries and laundry today, as well as a trip to the housing authority office a few blocks away. Maybe I'm overwhelmed by planning to do a few things on the same day, because I'm autistic and can't handle life's normal bullshit without melting down.

Maybe it's all of it, because the stars always seem to align to crush my will to live. Most brutal of all always being what we're inclined to overlook in this hyper-individualist society - that I'm always going through it all alone. That is what has been shown time and again to be the difference between recovery and trauma that wrecks mental health.

This does not mean I want to be dragged into hours of phone calls with my family. It makes me feel subhuman when people fail to see that it's branching out and meeting people in the world that matters. You don't think I have normal impulses and needs for connection? I don't think anyone would overlook this if they didn't perceive me as different; inferior, I should be happy just to survive.

When they say I shouldn't compete, what does that tell me? I don't get to partake in the normal healthy experiences everyone else does. The positive experiences they take for granted aren't for someone like me.

What do people think I am? Autistic? What does that even mean to people who have no idea what it means? They don't even seem to know. They get confused if I ask. They have no problem discriminating but can't be bothered to really think about it. They're only vaguely aware that they treat me differently at all and won't face why. 

What am I supposed to think? How else should I feel? Just accept my unfortunate station in life? Fuck you.