forever a white belt

I need to explain a few things about competition; why I keep talking about it, and why I never do it. For one thing, it's how you progress through the belt system in BJJ and Judo. They're not like Karate or Hwa Rang Do. There are no belt tests. Different gyms handle it differently, but where I go, win or lose, competing is the main criteria. As long as someone is training regularly and competing, they'll be regularly promoted. 

Having never competed, I'll never move beyond white belt. I don't typically care about belts, but that's pretty harsh. It's also just odd being able to tap out blue belts who are bigger, stronger, and half my age. Competition is considered really important. If you don't compete, you're never really being tested.

I also need to clarify that this is very different from competing in kickboxing or MMA. Nobody has to allow me to compete in BJJ. I just hear about an upcoming competition and give it a go. These BJJ competitions are much less appealing to me, but they're also without all the drama surrounding my coaches not thinking it's something I should do. Even if they think it's a bad idea, they aren't going to try to stop me, whereas in kickboxing or MMA, they are gatekeepers. It is possible to compete without their involvement, but that requires a whole array of things I don't have.

There was a fight recently, at a venue my gym participates in sometimes, where one of the fighters clearly lacked experience. Watching him fight, I wondered what kind of terrible coach would allow it. They're supposed to protect people from themselves, as well as protect the reputation of the gym, by not putting anyone in the ring who isn't ready to be there. 

So, looking into it, I saw that this guy was unaffiliated. That means he didn't have a coach giving him the go ahead or support. This was a great example of why that matters.

The reasons I haven't competed in BJJ are completely different, although not entirely unrelated. Having my self-confidence torpedoed sure hasn't helped. The primary reason I don't compete is unusual though. Not something most people would even consider. I was rereading some old entries when it occurred to me to address this. I hadn't even thought about it.

Competitions are an all day thing. They're almost never local, taking from an hour to five hours, just to get to. There is a ton of waiting around for your turn. I was exhausted just spectating that one time. I'm dependent on others to get me there and get me home, while doing anything that takes so long is a major endurance trial for me even on my best days, let alone my worst. When my turn does come up, I'd already be feeling drained and profoundly uncomfortable. I'd be dependent on people who don't understand any of that.

Even going to the gym picnic out in Colchester was an ordeal and an accomplishment for me, before crawling back into my apartment feeling defeated. The matches themselves would be the easy part. I would be competing with my own limitations most of all. I might not be able to handle it, I might be miserable, and that's before losing to anyone. If there were ever a BJJ competition at my own gym, of course I'd compete. Without hesitation. If it went badly or just dragged on too long, I'd simply walk home.