more words

Why am I fixating and obsessing over this concept of autism? When I say it's just a word, I'm saying that to me, it doesn't mean enough to explain my situation. I don't understand why I'm like this. I don't understand why I live like this. Slapping a label on it doesn't help, if that label doesn't represent much of an explanation.

What I'm actually fixating on is not how I think of myself, but how others think of me. Is this the word that explains why people have treated me this way my whole life? Is this the word they use for those they think are like me? Does this explain how I present, the range of ways in which I struggle to meet social expectations and the sort of dysfunction others read into that? Is this the word for what others see?

This is why it's making me feel hopeless. It's a word that represents what I am, and not just my circumstances, in terms of who others understand me to be. It's something that isn't going to change, no matter what I do. Everything I do is forced into the context of an autistic person trying to do it. Even as I overcome all these hurdles to try to make more of myself, I only run head first into social dynamics that shut me down like it's nothing.

What people think does matter. It matters a hell of a lot. When we apply for a job or an apartment, or see a doctor, or try to make friends or meet someone attractive, or try to prove readiness to get into a boxing ring, of course what other people think matters, but maybe I'm still getting it all wrong. I can't tell. 

People are nice to me, but they aren't interested in me. They don't admire or support my endeavors. I am tolerated as long as I'm not an imposition. I'm allowed to exist at the fringes, taking college courses or training at the gym, but people expect me to stay there. Good for you, engaging in healthy activities, but don't get in the way of everyone else actually trying to get anywhere.