processing

This is the best way I've found to process what I'm going through. Type through it, catharsis, that for some reason works best if there's a chance others might read it. I realize this is strange and may have some negative consequences, but it seems to help, and fuck, do I need help.

Why can't I just be happy for her, right? I've been here before, although not at this level. This is different. I absolutely do wish her the best in life, but if we're talking about emotions, you have to understand just how over the top my dysregulated emotions are. 

I never blogged about this before, because I didn't want to take even the slight risk that it might get back to her, but that doesn't seem like it matters now. We're not friends. I wish we could have been. That would be difficult now, but we're not, so it doesn't matter. I was never able to form even that much of a real connection with her. I'd still prefer she never finds out, but I've got nothing to lose anymore.

So how over the top are these emotions that I'm supposed to just set aside and be a grown up about? What words am I supposed to use? Is it just a crush? Is it stupid to call it love, because we don't have a real connection? Is it autistic limerence, a clinical phrase that twists the whole thing into an abstraction? This is not rational. My more logical circuitry has been rebelling for years, to no avail. It's how I feel. 

I've never told anyone how extreme these types of emotions can get, because I know it's borderline psychotic. I would do anything for her. Whatever interests she has, I would make my own. I would have followed her to the ends of the earth and worshipped the ground she walks on, if she'd let me. Insane, right? It's clearly been an unhealthy obsession, but a lot of it has more to do with me than her. This is how my brain works.

I used to think I just needed a relationship and I could map these sorts feelings onto whoever would let me, but it doesn't work that way. I hate the idea of dating because I need to get to know people before getting into anything like that. Turns out someone needs to be exceptional for me to feel this way. I have to admire such a person. I hate to admit this, but of course it matters that she's also incredibly fucking beautiful.

I should probably elaborate on why I've kept this all to myself, in case it isn't obvious. I've touched on the rain man problem, and for me that's first and foremost. She's a happy person living an incredibly successful life, and the idea that I'd be a lot happier if someone like her liked me back does not bridge that chasm. A relationship with someone like me would make no sense for her.. never mind the fact that she's also twenty years younger than me. That she was at times already taken felt beside the point. 

I'm a bit shocked at how much this hurts, given that nothing has changed- I had zero chance with her before. Zero chance with her now.. but years go by, dynamics can change. Zero chance in the future? I must have been holding the longshot hope that such dynamics could somehow shift in my favor someday. While minor relationships come and go, getting married unequivocally shuts all that down.

I'd always been nonchalant about training with her. I only had the opportunity occasionally, but I'd always hope for it. If she had any idea how I felt, it would have been creepy and she wouldn't want to train with me ever again. That was my priority, to just enjoy her company as long as I could, to the extent that I could, and now that's gone. The last thing I wanted to do was make things weird.

I always have to return to my lonely apartment and be weird by myself. 

Holding back was not low self esteem, just me choosing to be sane and realistic, despite the insanity going on in my head. Maybe I can finally let go, and maybe that's a good thing, but now my life has this gaping void in it again. The same gaping void that has defined my whole life.